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Daniel told me that it was not for want of trying that he was not married. He told me he had failed relationships, and he was happy to tell me about them. He then proceeded to tell me about his failed relationships – a total of two. What struck me in all of his narrative was that he did not at any point seek to cast any slurs on the two women in his past. I liked that about him very much. It reminded me of an acquaintance whose relationship ended in the most bizarre way. He and his girlfriend had agreed to marry. So they had done all the shopping required for a home – he paid for everything. They then left the city to go to their hometown for the traditional marriage rites. On their way, Tute had a call from his boss requesting him to come back to the office to sort out an emergency. So he returned to the office, but asked his girlfriend to proceed to their hometown for the marriage processes to commence. Tute would follow up on the following day, and the marriage would go on that day as planned. According to Tute, his girlfriend married someone else the same day that she arrived at their hometown. She took with her all of the things that Tute had bought for their own marriage and for their matrimonial home.
Tute had told me this story over and over again, and each time, I assured him God would send him someone to love. Then one day, Tute asked me that “everybody says what a virtuous lady you are. Yet, you have failed to insult this gold digger of my ex-girlfriend who has treated me in the most disgusting and humiliating manner anyone can conceive of. Why are you not insulting her?” I was taken aback by his rebuke … and infuriated too. So I retorted, “I don’t know this ex-girlfriend of yours. I don’t know what she looks like. I have never met her. I don’t know what made her do what she did. Why should I insult her?”
Tute was not prepared for this response, because everyone had assured him the girl was nothing but pure evil and God was going to punish her accordingly. His eyes opened wide, and he stared blankly at me. I continued “Now, if your ex-girlfriend went ahead to marry someone on the day that she was expected to marry you, is it not pretty obvious that she must have been dating that dude for quite some time? You tell me she lived with you and you took care of her every need, including needs of her family members, you mean there was nothing in her behavior to have raised any suspicions?”
“I made sure to give her no excuse to leave me”, he defended. “I knew she wanted an excuse to leave the relationship, so I made sure to grant her every wish. Her every frivolous wish.So she had no excuse to leave me”, he continued, looking baffled. I was prepared to let this guy have my take on the matter, so I proceeded. “Well. Therein lies the true problem. The girl has definitely treated you unfairly. She ought to be blamed. But what about you? The girl gave you hints, you not only ignored the hints, but you also went out of your way to make it even more difficult for her to tell you she wanted out?” You see, I believe that people should be in relationships because they want to, not because they are compelled to. So I do not believe in deliberately making it difficult for anyone to leave a relationship. Because if they are determined to, they surely will in the course of time. But that really is not the issue. For me, the issue is, why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who does not want to be in a relationship with you?
I turned, looked at Tute in the eye and asked him, “Do you really want to know what I think of your ex-girlfriend?” He responded in the affirmative. So I went on “I do not think your ex girlfriend is a virtuous woman. But I do not think she is a gold digger either. From your own account, she left you to marry a poor good for nothing idiot. An idiot whose finances are nowhere close to yours. An idiot who had no standing in society, unlike you. If you ask me, that is not what gold diggers do. She must really have loved that idiot, whom I don’t know. Secondly, she must be a brave girl to do what she did – risk the financial stability you offered her, to take the plunge with her idiot. I wish her well”. I then muttered under my breath, “your heart is broken. True. But you probably have broken some hearts too. So get on with your life, and leave your ex to fate”. Tute did not take this very kindly. But from thenceforth, he stopped focusing on his ex girlfriend, and started to focus on his own life.
Lunch was served. After Daniel had given me the brief summary of his past relationships, I expected him to ask me about my own past. He did not. So I asked, “Are you not going to ask me some questions too?” William responded, “No we are not. We are not expecting that there will be no competition. What we are sure of though is that we will beat the competition”. I thought Daniel was joking. But he was not. He never asked about my past. Never. He however noted that he will understand if I wanted to find out more about him. And so he suggested we go out on a few more dates so we could get to know each other better. I definitely liked this guy. And I was attracted to him. I would like my children to have his eyes, I thought to myself. So I agreed to go out with him on a few more dates.
I was quite impressed with Daniel’s track record on past relationships. Given his good looks and financial stability I had expected a longer list. But I was hardly one not to at least try and find out more about him on my own. So I turned myself into Anas, BNI and FBI combined. I searched for information as much as I could on Daniel. I came up with nothing – his narrative seemed genuine. Guy could not be as clean as he looked, I thought to myself. So I took my investigations a notch higher. I would ask for his phone to make calls because I had no credit on my phone. I would then take his phone and search through his messages. There was no WhatsApp at the time. I found nothing. Guy was clean. Sometime, I will share more of my journey of investigations, and my “findings”.
We had been going out for about two weeks, and we had our first fight. I do not remember what caused the fight. But it was bad enough for us not to be on speaking terms for about two weeks. During this period, neither called the other. I did not know his whereabouts and I believed he did not know mine either. I was therefore surprised when I got a call from home – it was my sister. She called to congratulate me on the well behave, handsome and absolutely cool guy, my Fiancé. She was surprised I hadn’t told her about him, and she wanted to gist me on the family’s take of him. I was in shock. Apparently, during this period that we were not on speaking terms, Daniel had gone home first to my parents. He introduced himself as my Fiancé, and whatever he did, he completely wowed everyone. My Dad was a lion where his daughters are concerned. My sister however told me Dad was completely taken in by Daniel and really loved him. I was still in shock. I asked my sister, who gave him directions to the house. My sister laughed and said, “Oh, he came with Oscar”. I immediately understood why my Dad was completely taken by Daniel. If he went there with Oscar, it was a huge plus. All of my family loves Oscar! But that was where the other shock was. I did not know that Daniel knew Oscar.
As a student, I was one to work during the long vacations. Oscar’s organization was one of the places I worked during long vacations, although I did not work directly with Oscar. My Dad had a policy of eating out with us once in a while. It would be all of us and him at some restaurant. Usually, it would be just us and our Dad. We would fight, laugh, sulk, play, etc., with our Dad watching and chatting with us. He let us just be kids, and would usually not try to reign us in during these dinners. It was at one of such dinners that we met Oscar. We had finished fighting, having fun and eating, and asked for our bill. Wewere informed the bill had already been settled. We were pleasantly surprised. The waiter pointed to Oscar as the man who settled the bill. Oscar then approached us and explained that he just enjoyed seeing us with our Dad. Particularly, his heart melted to see a man out with his kids – just him and his kids being a family, oblivious of the world around them. He noted that although he was not married, he would want to be able to do that with his kids when he eventually marries and has kids of his own. From thenceforth, Oscar became family, and my family loves him very much. Now you understand the effect that going with Oscar to see my family was likely to have. My Dad would later die in Oscar’s hands.
My sister told me that Daniel had also gone to see our extended family members at Manyoro, and that everyone loved him there as well. I was surprised, but I was not going to call Daniel. Not at all. We were not on speaking terms. I was still in Accra. In school.
My brother was returning from the United States, so I went to the airport to meet him. To my surprise, I saw Daniel at the airport. I didn’t know who he was coming to meet. But I was not going to ask him. We were not on speaking terms. I pretended not to know him, and he did likewise. He did not even look in my direction. This was most annoying. So I waited and he waited. I was relieved when my brother finally came through the arrival lounge. At long last. When I made my way to meet my brother, there was also Daniel smiling while looking in my brother’s direction, and making his way to my brother as well. This was most annoying and most confusing. How did he know my brother was coming that day, and how did he make my brother out? I was determined to ignore him though.
Daniel proceeded to take charge of the situation. He welcomed my brother, ensured all of my brother’s luggage was secured, informed him of the transportation arrangements that he had already put in place for him and any friends who may have come along with him or who may need any assistance. All this while, Daniel had taken up position beside me, as if we were together. My brother looked to me for an introduction, but I averted my eyes. What was I going to say? I said nothing. My brother figured on his own that Daniel must be my boyfriend. We all had dinner. Throughout the dinner, I still refused to make any introductions. So Daniel took the liberty to introduce himself as my fiancé. For whatever reason, my brother already loved this guy. And it showed. It was the first time that he had met me with a guy. So I expected him to be hesitant, to ask questions, and to offer any hesitations. He didn’t. He liked the guy.
Dinner finished late. Daniel offered to personally drive my brother to his hotel. This meant that we were all going to be in Daniel’s car. We dropped my brother off, and Daniel then dropped me off as well. That was when we started speaking to each other again.
Six weeks into our dating, Daniel asked my permission to officially ask my family for my hand in marriage. I noted that my family was unlikely to agree given that we had been dating for only 6 weeks. He suggested that we probably did not need to say how long we had been dating. I responded that my family was likely to ask, and if they did, I ought to tell them the truth. He insisted that I at least give him permission to officially see my family, and we take the rest from there. Cross the bridge when we get there. I did.
He was back to my parents in Navrongo to ask for my hand in marriage, and to my extended family at Manyoro for the same reason. Surprisingly, both families only called to ask me whether to say yes, but they did not ask the question I dreaded the most “how long have you known him”. Apparently, from their knowledge of me, they had already taken it for granted that I must have known this guy a pretty long time ago. They liked Daniel. The dreaded question thus did not come.
I said yes.
We have been married for almost 13 years now. Daniel is not one to act on impulse. An extremely fantastic organizer, and one who takes his time in everything he does. I will never understand how a man like that could make an impulsive decision to marry a girl he saw at the STC yard. And that we have been married for almost 13 years. And those two women I met on the bus, have become the greatest allies one could wish for.
By Clara Beeri, Lawyer and Lecturer at GIMPA
